When he stops calling

Things Were Going Well - Really Well - or What To Do When a Great Guy Drops Off the Planet

A woman and man date. She likes him, he likes her and he's very enthusiastic. Things seem to be going well - very well.

Then, for no explained or apparent reason, he stops being in touch completely.

It's especially frustrating if a woman has not noticed ANY sign that this was coming.

What happens next is tremendously important.

Here's one reader's story about a guy who dropped off the planet - and advice on how to handle this situation:


I've read your emails about communicating with men with great interest as I've always been a talker.

"I met this man through an introductions agency. I paid a small amount of money whereas he has paid a lot, because in this agency, men pay more than women.

"He called me and we got on immediately - he didn't look like I thought he would, but I got past that and think he's wonderful.

"We have had three wonderful dates, all in the space of 7 days - he called most days for three glorious weeks.

"The third date was a little tense - his house - dinner, there was kissing and that's all. He said that he wanted there to be date 4, date 10, date 20 and date 40!!!!

"He then went to Europe on business and had a couple of terrible work days. He phoned Saturday lunchtime and said he's really sorry but he can't see me after all the following week, and he would see me after I got back from skiing.

"The last time we spoke was 3 weeks ago - he sent a lovely card and then nothing - no call - no communication. It's now the night before I go skiing and I'll be away for a week.

"I've checked with the introductions agency without trying to appear needy, and they said that he's given them great feedback - that he's having a great time and that we got on really well.

"I thought by stopping calling he was sending me a message. I was delighted and surprised by his card. I sent him a nice note saying 'Dear 'James', Thank you for the lovely card; hope your week is better. -- Lori.'

Then nothing - just nothing....

"I know we only had a few dates, but the intensity he was giving off doesn't stack up with the lack of contact now - or the fact that he sent a card.

"I haven't called and it's killing me - got any good ideas....?"

-- Lori

Hi, Lori, This is an interesting dilemma. I think you did the right thing by not acting overly eager. You did everything that shows him that you *are* interested without going too far.

You thanked him for the card, which was a nice response.

The most important thing here is not to behave like a doormat. He's treating you in a way that he can't expect any woman to accept.

Yet some women, when treated this way, send out signals that this is NOT a deal-breaker!

They get extra sympathetic and caring, in fact, when the guy should be on their list of men they dated in the PAST!

He's being non-responsive; you don't know why. But his lack of response to you is a sign to move on.

He seemed in all ways like a considerate man. But he stopped all contact with you - and a considerate man like this knows full well that he did.

ALL men know what they're doing when they stop contacting you. It's very important not to let yourself rationalize this away... including when you hear from him later!

Even if there were an emergency in his life, he still could have let you know, unless he himself is the one in the coma!

Here's the thing: men like this frequently DO return.

So when that happens, first of all, do not be surprised.

Next, instead of asking the obvious question (what happened to you?), try saying a matter-of- fact hello and then sit back and let HIM do all the explaining.

If such a man does come back, his sudden disappearance has to be due to a one-time, genuine, unusual time in his life.

He can only play this card ONE time - at most.

He cannot "Rinse and Repeat" these actions with you.

Truth be told, he allowed the wonderful romantic momentum to come to a halt. That was his choice.

You would be wise not to allow him the chance to do this again - and not to accept any excuse for why it happened. I'll explain why.

You may have to say goodbye to what seemed so nice at first, but you'll be doing a favor for the next woman down the line.

You'll be doing yourself a favor too, because a man who does this once, with your gracious permission, is highly likely to do this again.

Then you won't be feeling so warm and understanding at all!

Don't think of his disappearance as a one-time thing. Know that it's only the FIRST in an endless series (if you put up with it).

These men's favorite travel destination is the Bermuda Triangle.

When they find their way back, they want to find out if you value yourself or if you're desperate.

Sadly, men who evaporate like this don't value themselves very much.

But it is worth listening to their explanation when THEY volunteer it. (Please don't hunt them down demanding an account of their whereabouts....)

If a man like this comes back, you can hear him out regarding his "reason." Whatever he says, you can tell him you'll think about it. The less emotion you show at this time, the better.

Staying neutral outwardly preserves your friendship and gives you time to look at the big picture.

Many women are reluctant to give a guy the "cold shoulder" when in fact, he deserves it. What's more, the guy knows full well that he deserves it, and he expects to be treated in a manner appropriate to what he has done!!

If you trot out the hot chocolate and cookies at a time like this, a man marvels at your capacity for masochism. And you thought you were being understanding and forgiving!

In fact, your only hope of a future with a man who has done this IS to continue the distance he started, and allow him to do what he knows is the right thing - to "atone" for his "sin" against you!

(He will feel better about himself and about you if he does so. That's no assurance that it won't happen again, but it's a strong deterrent.)

Do this without anger or tears. Simply tell him that you don't date someone who just disappeared on you without a word.

Let him fall all over himself with apologies. Men secretly love repenting at the feet of a goddess, and they are happiest with women who are in touch with their pedestal!

As I've said before, men never forget the locker room they came from.

Men never forget the locker room they came from.

What does this mean? It means that at the same time we're thinking of a man as amazing, intoxicating, and delicious, he is thinking of himself as smelly sweaty, and gross, because he sees the evidence up close and personal.

You know that advice that if you're nervous when you're speaking in front of people, you should imagine them all sitting there in their underwear? Well, men think of themselves like that all the time - exposed in their shorts or briefs or whatever, and then the underwear itself being criticized along with what's in it. Men never forget the smelly locker room or the petri dish socks.

That's one reason why most men are nice and self-effacing rather than arrogant. I like that about men.

That's what I mean by "Men never forget the locker room they came from." A lot of us women could take a few lessons in "nice" from men like this. And men should know that we women still think of them as amazing, intoxicating, and delicious!

Dropping off the planet just doesn't happen when a guy is interested. It's the biggest Red Flag that there is.

One of two things is happening: he's either already involved with someone else, or he's at best very unsure of his feelings for you. However, you can't wait around for the ebb and flow of his feelings toward you.

Men who abruptly leave and later reappear are testing you. They're not having a real relationship with you. They're going by their whims.

If that day's whim includes some warm feelings about you - or, worse, they're "lonely" and they want some "company," it's possible that you are the 3rd girl they called that day.

That's one reason that you shouldn't drop everything and see a guy the same day he suddenly and finally calls you again.

If he is not capable of being consistent, and changes drastically without warning or explanation - you deserve much better, and he needs to know that you KNOW you deserve better.

It's time for him to open up to you IF something in his life is causing him to be this way - so that you can decide what you want to do from here - with all of the facts in your hand.

What next?

First, don't see him at all except as a friend. Make him work to get beyond friendship with you.

If you're play-acting here, and you really can't wait for the romance to start again, he'll see right through that. Get real with yourself about what his exit means, and take it seriously.

Don't go out of your way to make it easy for him to see you. If you're free, fine. But don't break any pre-arranged plans to suddenly see this man again the very first time he asks.

The worst thing you could do here is to make it easy on him by being too accommodating. But at the same time, remain friendly and kind, and give him a chance to make amends - IF he contacts you with the desire to explain.

Most important:

If you begin seeing him again, don't let him do the "whirlwind courtship" number on you again. Put your dates with him on a diet.

It's a time for Relationship Rations. Don't see him every day. Two times a week would be fine until your trust is regained.

It's time for you to distract your mind from this one particular man. That's very important when a man is driving you nuts on the inside.

Get out and get busy. Be around people; work on something important that you've been putting off. Maximize your opportunities to have more men in your life.

Hold your ground. Men still want to pursue a woman. And they still value most what they must work hardest to get.

To find out more about holding your ground and getting a man to treat you in the way you deserve, not the way you'll put up with, go to www.hardtoget.com