Men Who Run Hot and Cold
What about men who run hot and cold??
One of the most frustrating experiences is when the man you care for is indecisive.
One day he thinks you're wonderful and opens up to you.
The next day, he is distant and even seems to regret getting closer to you.
Take what happened to this woman:
This guy I like the most (I am dating a little elsewhere to to try and keep things cool right now due to some of his emotional unavailability issues - he's getting some help these days on his own, which is why I decided to keep seeing him)...
What's hard is that sometimes he opens up to tell me how he feels....
.... but as soon as he reveals 'deeper' feelings he has for me, the next day he shuts down a bit and takes some distance - like not calling for a couple of days.
He acts like he didn't mean to talk about these things - or I should say, he was not ready to have it be 'open and out.'
I really like him - but don't want to confront him in an uncomfortable, uncool way that this sort of thing hurts my feelings.
Is there a way to say something the next time he is telling me his feelings without ruining the moment?
He's the one I hate waiting around for - which is why I tend to keep my options open, rather than waiting for him to figure it out.
Is this the best answer maybe? Thanks.
My answer to this question:
She is smart to be keeping her options open!
If she were not doing that, then the relationship would be out of balance... she would be giving more than receiving.
Both he and she would be aware of this imbalance, and deep down, he would start feeling guilty.
He might then start treating her much worse!
Why? Because he would resent her for not respecting herself, and resent her for making him feel guilty!
But all this would be under the surface, and he might wonder why he was acting like a jerk....
How should you handle this?
There are times when you have to approach things very directly with your man... but it can be done in a way that still keeps the fire and the fun in your relationship.
If you handle things well from the beginning, you may never need to worry about "should I have that serious talk with him, or is that going to just make things worse?"
But there's hope even if you don't handle things well from the beginning.
Sometimes men seem happy to get close to you one day (or night)...
But not long after that, they mysteriously change - and seem to back away.
This is a very frustrating experience! We want a relationship where we can relax, and not have to constantly worry about things like this!
Sometimes guys do need to sort out what they want - and this is not a bad quality.
But to be inconsistent is definitely bad when it comes to TRUST.
The key to trust in ANY relationship is consistency - knowing that you can count on a friend or boyfriend or relative to always have the same disposition, to be there when they say they will, and to feel the same way about you all the time.
You need a man to maintain the same level of intimacy, instead of getting close one day, then pulling back the next.
After all, love is supposed to be fun; it's not supposed to give you an ulcer!
Beware of This Trap
Don't feel that it's up to YOU to convince him to "open up to you."
You can easily fall into that trap of "I'll show him that love is wonderful; I'll show him that he can trust me..."
Then you don't have a relationship; you have a rescue mission.
Well, here's the good news - you CAN relax.
It all comes from you because you are living, not reacting. Your actions come from happiness and contentment within you.
That means that even if your man seems to be clenching with doubts, you don't have to let that ruin your evening.
If you are not eaten up with doubts, then it's very likely that he will pick up on your serenity.
And if he still seems to be unsure about you?
Then you can accept that with amazing calmness, too.
You can honestly tell him that you would not want ANY man (hint: this gives him the clue that there's a line waiting to replace him if he flakes out...) to be in a relationship with you if he isn't sure about his feelings.
Then let it go.
Focus on having fun when you are with him.
Turn your attention to something fun, funny, or interesting - and something that is upbeat.
Don't get drawn into a "deep discussion" about it, and for heaven's sake, don't initiate one yourself!!
Focus on HAVING FUN. Let the relationship take care of itself.
I share a LOT more about this in my program Hard To Get.
Advice for Men from TSB Mag and Dating Class:
- One day she's fine; the next day she's acting "off." What to do when a girl goes cold on you
- Do you know how to make a girl laugh? How to make women laugh
- How should you approach a woman? The Definitive Guide to Approaching Women