What Friends With Benefits Really Means
by Mimi Tanner, Author of The Reverse Ultimatum: Get a Commitment Without Conflict
Let's talk about the expression "Friends with Benefits" – what it means, what it doesn't mean, and why some people might suggest that you be their Friend with Benefits.
Yes, "benefits" – those things that you don't think you're paying for… those things you think that someone is giving to you for free…
I venture to say that this convenient name "Friends With Benefits” just plain doesn't work out as neatly as some would hope.
One reason for this is because men and women approach love differently, and that is the whole basis for The Chase. If you're Friends With Benefits, there is NO chase!
When it comes to "Friends With Benefits,” it's "Game Over. You Lose!”
Recently, a woman told me how much she wants to tell her new man all about a horrible day she had, in order to get the benefit of getting comforted by her guy.
I can understand that… Many women are thinking (or rather, hoping), "Isn't that what it's all about? I want to be able to share my problems as well as my joys with a man, or what is the point??”
Well, listen up: when HE said "friends with benefits,” crying on his shoulder was not the benefit he had in mind.
Men hear "friends with benefits” and to them, that means sex without her crying about anything!
Men who want to be your FWB are ALREADY telling you that they want LIMITS on getting close.
A woman may be focusing on the FRIEND part as in, "He's my New Best Friend!!”
A man is focusing on the BENEFIT part. The "Friend” part means, "What a relief, she's not officially my Girlfriend, so I don't owe her anything….”
Friends With Benefits means giving your body away with the understanding that you're treading on dangerous ground if you EVER request any emotional response of any kind, or any help moving. :)
If a guy tells you he wants to be Friends With Benefits, tell him you want to start with the two-week vacation, then move to the profit-sharing plan…
Women don't want "BENEFITS” anyway. They don't want compensation. They want…. a relationship.
"FRIENDS” in FWB means "We're not in relationship. I don't have to listen to you kvetch, and you won't ask for help moving all your stuff the next time you get a new apartment.”
When you put it like that, it's easy to see why people want Friends With Benefits.
Lots of women like to "see how much he loves me” by seeing how many requests a guy will absorb to fix her plumbing, help her move, and listen to her parents drone on and on.
Relationships are NOT about using someone to help you deal with all of life's annoying but necessary tasks.
It can just as easily be the woman who wants to be only Friends With Benefits, and the man who wants more.
If you're over the moon for someone, and he or she only wants FWB, something is already unbalanced. One person is in love, and the other person is not.
The person who is in love will probably waste months to years convincing themselves that the other person "is afraid to get close” for whatever reason….
So if you are "in love,” but you're thinking for one minute about settling for being "Friend With Benefits,” think twice, because you will probably end up feeling shortchanged.
Honor your true feelings and never settle for less.
Have a great day, and keep your Flirt on!
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