Where Is He?

Have You Ever Felt the Need To Track Him Down?

Have you ever felt the need to "track him down"?

Where is he?? He's not where he is supposed to be. He is supposed to call you. You can't reach him.

You feel the need to track him down.

What's more, you may feel it's your doggone duty.

Maybe he's been in an accident or something - you're starting to "worry"!

(Such worries on your part can mean he's in even MORE trouble if nothing happened to him...)

Your mind may be busy with all of the possible What If's:

And that's keeping your mind OFF what you need to focus on - namely, keeping YOUR life and work going!

Never, never, never try to "Track Him Down"...

...that is, unless you work for the FBI, the IRS, Immigration, or the Publisher's Clearing House!

Never try to track him down UNLESS the "3 little words" you need to tell him are "You've been served!"

If there is ONE thing a man must hate with a passion is a woman on a mission - the mission of tracking him down.

As we all know, guys value their freedom, even if they're in a commitment. They graduated from childhood when their mother tracked them down nightly to force them to leave the making of mud pies and other pursuits. The last thing they want NOW is an echo of that!!

And girl, if you can't find him, he probably doesn't want to be found.

YES, there can be exceptions to this rule. If you know the man SO WELL and are as close to him as a family member - that you know his absence is FOR SURE a sign of "foul play" - then by all means, call his family and let them call the police and issue a missing persons report.

However... what are the chances that the man is in danger? Have you been watching a lot of those crime shows? Are you HOPING that the reason he's not calling you back is because he's "swimming with the fishes," because if it turns out that he's dumped you, then he may soon face someone with a lot less mercy, namely YOU???

Are there any exceptions here?

Is there EVER a time when you should try to track a guy down? The answer is YES. Absolutely.

There is ONE excellent reason to try and track a guy down: that's when you are IN LABOR with HIS BABY!!

Otherwise, if he's decided to go AWOL and do a disappearing act on you, then what can you do? What should you do, if anything???

You should consider yourself on vacation. Do absolutely NOTHING. Nada. Zilch. Squat. Zip.

You don't want him to EVER think you're trying to track him down. Heaven forbid.

If he doesn't want to be located, then let him GO.

Will he come back? Generally he WILL - but NOT if you send out an APB - an All Points Bulletin!

What is an All Points Bulletin? In relationship terms, it's asking his friends, mom, and co-workers where he is. It's dialing numbers and driving past places to try to see what happened to him and where he IS.

When you start driving around looking for a man, then you're crossing over into the Land of Stalking.

Don't do it. If you do, you're putting nails in the coffin that's being built for your relationship already.

If he ignored your text or phone message (hopefully you did not leave him more than one or two!), let HIM call YOU first, not the other way around.

He's far more likely to return (and he'll return much, much faster) if you let him contact you first.

When he does, do not mention his absence first. See if he brings it up. He is much more likely to mention it and give you some explanation if you act nice but neutral, and let HIM bring it up.

Yes, he will be in touch with you. Don't be surprised when he is. And if he doesn't ever get back in touch, then what difference does it make to stalk him? It's not worth it. It's not worth what can happen to your life and reputation, not to mention your self-esteem!

You don't ever need to track down a man. That makes you the "hunter" and him the "hunted." Not a good or appropriate romantic image, especially in his eyes!

A man who doesn't want to be found - doesn't want to be found. So let him have his alone time, or his guy time, and see what he's made of.

Did he stand you up? I hope not - that's a SERIOUS breach and second chances should be zero on your list of things to do for him.

But if he's just "not around" without explanation, then let him go. If you're in a REAL relationship where for over 2 months you have been exclusively seeing each other at least once every week to spend most of a day together, and you regularly call each other almost daily, THEN call him once or twice, and again about 2 days later, during what would be a normal time. That's IT. You don't need to do more.

But otherwise - if you're not exclusive; if you're new to each other; if you suspect that you're more in love than he is, and ESPECIALLY if you suspect that he's possibly conflicted or backing away - give him room, time, space - and take the exact same things for yourself in whatever way makes you happy.

Don't track him down - instead, stay on track yourself!

Know what your own track for success is: it's your life you have to take care of, and he can be part of it or not - but only by his own choice. You can't force this on him.

Any determined search on your part, and any resulting confrontation with him over where in the HECK he was - is a huge waste of your time and energy; it will drive him much further away, and you certainly deserve better for yourself.

When you have a choice between the "pedestal" and lowering yourself, choose that pedestal every time!

Don't lower yourself by tracking down any man. Let him come to you.

He will - and you can then decide how much you really wanted him to come to you after all!

What seems like "tracking him down" to you will seem like Crazed Stalking to him.

ESPECIALLY if you're not in a committed relationship, and especially if you've only been seeing him for a few weeks.

Think about it - what do you have in store for him when you *find* him? Giving him a piece of your mind?

You're going to need that "piece of your mind" and you'll also need PEACE of mind.

If you plan to explode at him, save your efforts, because it's already not worth it.

He's either in contact with you or he isn't - so let that be the message.

Take that message seriously. But don't act too hurt when you hear from him again, because that gives his actions more power than they deserve to have.

The choice of a man to stop contact is a choice that has consequences, because you simply move on, due to the obvious!

There are times to "pursue" and show your wide-open heart, but this is not one of them

Focus on being the woman that it's HIS LOSS to ignore.

Because, as we all know, he will be back at your doorstep soon enough.

A reader wrote me this:

Mimi, I think you are bang-on with your advice and am living proof that letting a man chase you is the greatest gift you can give to both him and yourself!