Things Were Going Well - Really Well - or What To Do When a Great Guy Drops Off the Planet
by Mimi Tanner, Author of The Reverse Ultimatum: Get a Commitment Without Conflict
Have you ever had a "relationship" (and I use the term loosely) with a guy like this?
He NEVER calls you. You always are the one to call him.
You wait for him to call you, but he never seems to. So you call him. And when you do, he's always SO HAPPY to hear from you, and he immediately makes plans with you.
You then feel wonderful, as though everything is just fine. He's so glad to hear your voice. And you're going to see him again.
He must have just been very busy.
Or, maybe this is how he normally acts when he's in a relationship - he almost never calls first, once you start seeing each other regularly.
You tell yourself, "I guess that's just the way he is."
But you get OH SO tired of waiting to hear from him.
When you're with him - he is crazy about you.
When you're not - you know he LIKES you plenty - but he doesn't seem to have the need and desire for you that you feel for him!
So you live in a constant state of frustrated waiting. It starts to gets old. The pain is outweighing the happiness. Definitely.
So you finally decide that you've had enough of Mr. Hard-to-Reach Who Never Calls First.
HE will have to be the one who gets in touch.
He never does. End of story.
Or is it??
Just when you are finally almost over him, you run into him out of nowhere. OMG, is this meant to be? He seems to think so! It is downright uncanny.
You and he start seeing each other again. It's better than EVER. (A few things seem odd, but the jury is still out on him...)
In a few weeks, guess what?
Rinse and Repeat! The same thing happens again. He is gone, gone, gone.
Now you know the drill, so you're not exactly surprised.
Good grief, now you have to get over him all over again. Deja vu. This time, it's a little easier.
What was the background here? When you met, you were both newly divorced. His divorce (his 2nd or 3rd) was especially rough, because his wife took off with his good friend.
If he was never around for her either, you could understand how that could eventually happen.
You couldn't help thinking about his ex-wife - since her picture was the one picture on his bedroom dresser.
(Not always. Apparently he removed the picture when he knew you were going to be at his apartment.)
He was definitely still in love with her - and not in love with you. Clearly he was going through a very tough time.
Looking back later on, it all makes sense.
In the long run, your romantic emotions for him die out and never return, because the truth is, the relationship never was very close.
By the way, he later marries again. Ouch!! Yes, it does sting that he stuck around someone else long enough to sign papers.
That marriage lasts about a year. Sometime later, you hear that he has married yet again. By now you feel sorry for the poor, innocent, much younger girl who is his newest wife - or you figure that he's managed to make things work out with someone before he croaks. Good for him. That's probably what happened.
You are SO glad that it has been ages since you were imprisoned by your feelings for him. That was not fun.
You're glad that now you feel nothing for the guy except fondness. After all, he never did anything terrible to you.
He just wasn't ever around and definitely wasn't in love with you - or he would have been around!
Neither one of you was ready for a long-term relationship then.
And you were NOT the love of each other's lives.
And frankly - it was more like a narrow escape for you and a blessing that he opted not to sweep you off your feet. It wouldn't have lasted.
You had a lot to learn about people when you fell for him. You wouldn't fall for the Houdini Disappearing Type ever again.
You value yourself far too much now - and you know the warning signs.
Newly divorced people can be especially vulnerable to bad choices.
But suppose this story reminds you of something happening right now. Suppose you are sad about someone who sounds a LOT like this man?
Handsome, charming, disarmingly friendly, high IQ, entrepreneur - those could be some of his good points.
Always happy to hear from you and great to be around whenever you see him. Gives you his undivided attention. Seems to be pursuing you - when you're together. Introduces you to his children. Never says an unkind word to you - ever.
But - if you don't call him, he almost never ever calls you.
What exactly is wrong here?
First of all - it isn't YOU.
There are some men who just are not ready.
Most of the men you meet and date are not going to be "the one" - or even close to being right for you.
There are some situations in which, later on, you will know that it would never have worked. In fact, it could have been a disaster.
You were spared.
You may feel later on that you were not even in love with him. You were falling for him, but it wasn't true love.
The men you truly love are men you will always love.
When your feelings for someone eventually fade into nothingness - this was a man either you didn't love, or a man you loved before you grew a lot more.
He was not a true Love Of Your Life. There are precious few of those in a lifetime!
Usually, it's a blessing when a man disappears. Things could be worse. Instead of disappearing when you're dating, things could crumble after you say "I do."
You could have a whirlwind courtship and a giddy wedding, followed by abject misery, an absent and/or terrible hubby, and eventually a divorce and possibly custody hassles, too.
The truth is, sometimes a man is not in a place where
he will do well in any relationship - at this time in his life, anyway.
The same can be true for a woman, of course.
He's not the enemy or the bad guy. He's doing the best he can at the time, and so are you.
So don't spend your time blaming him and trashing him. Move on.
You may look back later and realize that neither one of you was really ready, and besides that, he wasn't "the one" for you, nor you for him.
Your relationship with him was a stepping stone for learning and growing.
Because of that past relationship, you'll be that much more ready for true love when it comes your way.
Have a great day, and keep your Flirt on!
Author of "Hard to Get - Your Personal Guidebook on How to Play the Game of Love!"
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