He Never Initiates Anything - It's All On Your Shoulders
Are you the one who always has to initiate contact? Are you the one who makes all the plans?
Does it feel like the relationship wouldn't even be happening if not for you keeping it going.
When you have to make all the effort, it's discouraging. What should you do?
Mimi, my question is this -- I've been in exclusive relationship with a man for nine months --- when he "pulls back" I'm confused what to do.
For instance he will go all week without speaking to me.
When I mention this his answer is, "You know my routine, you know where I live, and you know my number, you can call or come over anytime."
So do I pull back, or do I speak softly from the heart, or do I initiate and instill myself further into his life?
He's always happy to see me and talk to me when I call. It is hard for me to pull back, but lately I'm usually the one initiating the calls and getting together. It's frustrating.
I've read all of your work and re-read everything ... but still confused which method to use.
Cindy's guy is always happy to see her.
But he has stopped doing the initiating.
He's not making the calls - Cindy is.
What's worse... when Cindy says something about this, he says, "You know where I live, just come over any time."
His cleaning lady has almost the same access to him. Exciting! (not)
So basically it's up to Cindy to waltz over there any old time her little heart desires.
I've got one question:
Where did all the good times go?
True, he's exclusive with her. His door is always open to her. But absolutely nothing special is happening here.
He goes all week without speaking to her.
Believe me, that's NOT good. In fact it's the kiss of death.
This man is not romancing Cindy at all. Ever.
It's insulting... almost. But wait. Don't be insulted.
Like I always say:
Don't get mad. Get gorgeous.
A man who doesn't want to make the effort - like this man - is treating her like she's just filling his time.
Like she's nothing special. Only she is.
- From Tim and Susan Bratton: How to fix an attention-deficit marriage.
What to do?
Stop the calls. Stop going over there. Stop the initiating.
This man needs to have a "Rededicate Your Life" kind of moment with himself.
He needs to get the honeymoon going again. The excitement. The flowers. The showing that he cares.
The going places together. The moving the relationship TO somewhere.
Otherwise, Cindy deserves better.
So yes - stop the initiating. And see what he does.
When he calls, wondering why his "routine" has changed...
Stay sweet. Go see him IF he asks. And when you do, be gorgeous of course. But tell him:
"This has been terrific... but this isn't working."
When he asks what you mean, tell him: "You're not in love with me. But we've had some good times."
Let him protest. Tell him you wish him the best but it's time to move on because you want to be with someone who's really into you.
And then leave. (He was expecting you to stay. Little did he know.)
Then don't answer his calls at first. And start making plans. Start dating even if you have to force yourself.
Then you'll find out just exactly how much he wants you in his life.
Because it's time for him to make some kind of Grand Gesture of love - because of all these months where he's becoming more and more "whatever" about your relationship.
Try that and let me know how it goes.
And most important - don't be expecting him to "man up." Move forward not expecting that.
Then it will be even better when that happens. And once it does - you mustn't let things go back to the same old same old again.
Expect him to do a lot better than "you know my routine, you know where I live...." - you deserve much better than THAT.
TELL him so. Briefly. And looking beautiful. Then make your exit and watch him step up to the plate.
I strongly suggest that you get your Flirt on - and I literally wrote the book on it!
Flirting takes you from Nice... to Charming!