The One Fatal Mistake Women Make
by Mimi Tanner, Author of The Reverse Ultimatum: Get a Commitment Without Conflict
So often I hear from women who have made one of the most fatal mistakes with men that you can ever make.
They sleep with the man on the first date - sometimes even on the same day they first meet him - meaning that he has not even had a chance to take them out, or even to ask them out!
If you don't do anything else right when it comes to relationships, get THIS one thing right.
Repeating: if you don't do ANYTHING else right, get that one thing straight!!
Do I feel strongly about this? Yes.
Are there ever any exceptions to this rule??
No. Or as we say in Texas, "Not only no, but 'Hail, no'!"
Seriously, there can be cases that turn out to be exceptions to this rule. But do you want to risk the future of a relationship with the man you really care about?
This is a very difficult and controversial topic - but the Broken Heart Trail of Tears that stretches across the globe provides far more convincing evidence than any advice to "do what feels right at the moment."
I guarantee you - a man will always, always remember that you slept with him on the first date. If he's remembering this fondly on your third wedding anniversary, then more power to you! You and he were Romeo and Juliet right from the start.
But there's a far greater chance that you will literally change the course of your budding relationship dramatically by having sex on the first date, or worse yet, when there is no courtship has yet taken place at all. And frankly, once you have slept with a man, in his mind, there's not much point in courting. He's already won you. He got the trophy without even crossing the finish line - perhaps even without running the race.
Now why am I putting this all on the woman's shoulders - doesn't the man have any responsibility here? Oh, yes, he does. He most certainly should. But when it comes to romance, the word "should" is often just out of place with reality.
Sleeping with a man makes a woman vulnerable where it can hurt the most.
The Broken Heart Trail of Tears is littered with condom wrappers, my friends. Lots of potential relationships end before they start because of this one mistake.
It's not because men are cads, either. It's because when they emerge from sex too soon, it's very awkward. Where do you go from there? You're with someone in a situation that belongs in a more advanced relationship - yet you both know that you don't know each other that well yet.
This leaves you oh, so vulnerable to being treated as though your intimacy didn't matter as much as it would in a long-standing, committed relationship - and let's face it, IT DOESN'T matter as much. Either of you can decide to opt out immediately with very little aftermath.
Yes, I do know of women who are in good relationships which did start out with sex on the first date. And yes, not all relationships will fail if this happens.
But this is extremely rare - and if you're counting on it happening, you're setting yourself up to be hurt. You do NOT need to let yourself in for this kind of pain.
From a reader:
"This is so true Mimi, and this is the excuse that women will give to justify why this is perfectly okay. They know someone who slept with a man on the first date, moved in him a few weeks later and then went on to marry. If it worked for those women, why won't it work for them? Why should a man judge them negatively for this especially since he was the one who wanted to be intimate and was doing the pursuing? That's what they tell themselves.
"In most cases, when you have sex with someone you barely know, the man now sees you as someone to have sex with, and no longer considers you for a future relationship.
"Women get frustrated with a man's lack of commitment in the past and get caught up in the romantic moment and swept away. They think this one will work out because it feels so good. She feels he is so smitten that he wants her forever.
"Since she is feeling these powerful emotions, she assumes the man feels the way but most of the time he is not. He is just having pleasurable sex and it is easy to misread it as an emotional connection.
"Or even worse, she convinces herself she can deal with casual sex and it is no big deal, but then she will become anxious and depressed when he does not call again. So it does matter.
"You give such sage advice..."
There is so much to consider - and these things should take far more than a few hours. Don't sleep with someone you do not even know. Aside from the health risks, which you should be well aware of on your own, there are severe emotional risks. The stakes are very high.
Psychologists tell us that when you sleep with someone, you have a chemical bond with that man forever - and I think that most women will agree that another person leaves an imprint on you, both emotionally and physically.
Trust me on this one critical point and do NOT sleep with a man when you just met him or just started dating him. You will not regret following this advice.
Now perhaps if he's going off to war tomorrow and this is your one and only night with him for the next 5 years, then Aunt Mimi will cut you a little slack on this. Maybe. It's really your own decision, not mine. It depends on the essence of how you really feel about your decisions and why you make them.
If you take things slowly, you can't go wrong. If you care deeply for him and want a relationship with him, it is far more likely that you'll HAVE this relationship if you get this one thing straight above all else.
And yes, it is possible to recover if you have messed up with a guy - not easy, but possible.
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